Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
