Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
