things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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