My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
