so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
