Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
