He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
