Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Randomize
