The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she woke up with a sticky ear
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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