So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
