Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
