she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
