So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
