literally had 100 drinks last night.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
