Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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