I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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