So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
