All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
