I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
