I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
