shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
