They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let's get the cat blown out
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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