I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
