If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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