ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
