his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
