mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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