all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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