I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
