I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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