I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
