Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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