is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My penis needs a shock collar
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
