I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
