You just made me feel so damn special
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
