Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
