Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
