PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
