Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize