How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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