No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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