so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
