i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
