Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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