If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
