Betty ford says i'm here all night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize