so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize