do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
