is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
