True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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