She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
