I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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