I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
