It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
only if we run a train.
done.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
