so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
