I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
