dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
