you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
